Effects
by Eva Galana
Summary: Maverick Shepard, Earthborn, Sole Survivor, Adept. He has lost much over the course of his life. One loss still haunts him, years later. As he faces the end of everything, he struggles to hold on to what little of himself remains.
1. Chapter 1

_I'm not sure how far I'll be going on this story. This first part is just bits and pieces from ME1&2, just to give you a hint of Shepard's personality, and how it will change over the course of the story._

_BTW, this is NOT a playthrough I've ever had. Frankly, I can't leave Kaidan behind on Virmire…_

_Effects_

_Chapter 1_

"Kaidan!"

Static answered his cry, and he stood, glaring over the tops of the laboratories he and his companions had just fought their way through. "Commander!" came a scratchy call, and relief flooded the biotic.

"Get out of there, now, Kaidan!" the Commander ordered, his voice harsh and raspy with the near panic he felt as he listened to the continued gunfire and explosions from the other biotic's end.

"Negative on that, Commander. You go get to Ash. Make sure you get that damned nuke set off."

Kaidan's voice was calm, but the calm did nothing to ease the tension along Shepard's shoulders or the fear in his heart.

"The fuck, Kaidan!" he snarled out, "I gave you an order, soldier!" Shepard continued, pushing as much anger as he could into the order as the trio paused just shy of the elevator that would lead them down into the courtyard.

There was a slight waver along the lines, and Shepard could clearly hear gunfire in the background and a cry of pain that followed, ending abruptly.

"Kaidan!"

"Sorry, Commander," static interfered again, but soon Shepard could hear Kaidan's voice. "But, the nuke needs to go off. You know it, and I know it." There was a pause, and Shepard could feel Garrus shuffling impatiently beside him as Wrex continued pacing the rooftop.

Shepard's brown eyes scanned his companions. "I'll get to you," he replied into the com. "Just…hold on…"

He tried to keep the wording less like a plea, but he knew it for what it was: begging, for Kaidan to remain alive, to give him time to get to his side, to pull him out before the nuke Chief Williams was setting up went off.

"No time, Commander," Kaidan's voice once again filled his ear piece, filling his heart. There was another pause, followed by the sounds of gunfire and small explosions, and they seemed so far – too far – away. Shepard and his companions finished the few steps to the elevator when Kaidan's voice once more filled Shepard's ear.

"It's been a pleasure serving with you…Mav…"

"Kaidan," Shepard whispered, hoping the other man could hear him. "I love you…"

Empty air answered back, and Shepard glared as he slammed a fist to the elevator's controls. Swearing, he turned away, blinking his eyes rapidly as the elevator descended once more to the courtyard where Chief Williams and several other technicians worked on the nuclear warhead the salarians had brought along to destroy the laboratory.

The line had not cut out or gone dead; the Lieutenant had down shut the communicator on his end.

0O0

"I hope you don't mind my saying this, but you look like shit."

Red-brown eyes slid to the side, Mav Shepard offered his friend a glare. "Yeah, well, we can't all be as beautiful as you, Garrus," the human male snarked back, the corners of his lips tilting upwards ever so slightly.

Chuckling, Garrus replied, "Oh, I am aware of that, Shepard," the turian raised a hand to brush against the scarring on his right mandible. His long strides stopped, and it took a moment for Shepard to realize that his friend was no longer by his side. Brow furrowing, he turned, staring back at Garrus.

"But, really, Shepard," the concern in his friend's voice was obvious, and Shepard found himself flinching ever so slightly, "I am concerned." Bird-like eyes narrowed as he stepped closer, those eyes staring into the haggard features of the tall man before him. "When was the last time you slept?"

"You mean other than the two years I was technically dead?" Shepard tried to joke, but was aware of just how flat it came out. Garrus' eyes narrowed, the mandibles around his mouth clicking as said mouth tightened slightly. With a heavy sigh, he ran a large hand through the reddish-blond strands of his hair, grimacing at just how long his hair had been allowed to grow. "Honestly, Garrus, I couldn't tell you when I last had a decent night's rest."

He fidgeted under the intense stare of the turian, feeling as though those predatory eyes could peer into his soul, search out the secrets he had tucked deeply into both heart and mind. He met those eyes, trying to appear calm. After all, what did he have to hide?

That every night, his dreams were haunted by a dead man? Yeah, that would go over real well.

Snorting slightly, Garrus gave a shrug, a three-taloned hand settling upon his friend's shoulders. "Mav…" he began, but Shepard merely shook his head.

"Once this is all over," Shepard replied, reaching up to give that alien hand a squeeze, "I will just…settle down on a beach somewhere and sleep." He smiled, forced, brittle and thin, knowing he wasn't fooling his closest of friends. "I promise."

After another moment, Garrus made to open his mouth, to say something else. However, at that moment, Joker's voice sounded over the intercom system. "ETA to Horizon thirteen minutes, Commander."

Sighing, hoping that the Illusive Man's intel was correct and not simply leading them all on a wild goose chase, Shepard looked up into the empty air. "Thanks, Joker."

He turned back to his friend, watching as the turian turned toward the weapons locker to pull free the Widow he favored. The doors hissed open and the krogan, Grunt, sauntered in. Giving both men a small nod, Shepard led them to the awaiting shuttle.

0O0

Bloody, beaten and battered. Arching his back slightly, Shepard cringed at the cracking sound that erupted from his too-tense frame. Grimacing, he straightened, glaring at the husk and reaper stewn grounds before turning his attention to his companions.

He need not have worried; as he suspected, both turian and krogan, while appearing just as bloody, beaten and battered as himself, were quietly surveying the land as he had.

Overhead, the Collector vessel straightened its course, heading back into open space.

"Wait! What are you doin'?" came a harsh cry from the various stockpiles about the battle zone, causing three heads to turn in that direction. "Stop them! They've taken almost the whole colony!"

Annoyance filtering through his body, Shepard turned his glare to the technician who had cowered in his bunker as his fellow colonists were captured and Shepard and his team risked their lives against Harbinger and its minions.

"And what, exactly, do you expect me to do?" Shepard demanded as Garrus and Grunt made their way to his side. "I could try and sprout wings, but I really don't see that happening!"

Beside him, Garrus snickered while Grunt merely turned his heavy glare upon the furious colonist.

"It was a good fight, Shepard," Grunt's low voice grated out, nodding his head in approval toward the battlefield.

"Shepard?" the colonist turned his attention back to Shepard. "Wait…I know that name," his face scrunched up in through for a moment before it took on a deep scowl as he jabbed a finger toward the Spectre. "Some big shot Alliance hero, yeah?"

"Commander Shepard," an all too familiar voice called out and Shepard turned to watch as Ashley Williams, her dark hair pulled up in its customary bun, stepped from the stockpiles to pace toward him. Mav's eyes fixed upon her face, which was pulled into a friendly, almost awed expression as she neared him.

"Captain of the Normandy, first human Spectre, Savior of the Citadel," she turned less than friendly eyes upon the seething colonist. "You are in the presence of a god, Delan,"

The man snorted at the Chief. "All the good people we lost," he spat, "and yet you remain." He glared at the woman before turning that glare to Shepard. "I'm sick a'you Alliance types. I'm outta here."

"Friendly fellow," Garrus muttered from behind Shepard, who merely shrugged his reply, unable to take his eyes off his friend.

"Williams," Shepard felt a small smile forcing its way across his face. She took a step – almost hesitant – toward him, before stopping just inches away. Her dark eyes searched his face, taking in the slight differences – the scar that had trailed its way down his left cheek now gone, how much redder his eyes appeared, even the length of his hair.

But…"It's you," she gasped, eyes wide after a moment. "We…I thought you were dead."

"Technically, I was," Shepard supplied, "Been in a coma for the past two years while Cerberus patched me back up."

At that, his friend took a step back, eyes widening further, this time with denial. "Cerberus?" she questioned, glancing back to Garrus, who was watching with his hands still holding his sniper rifle. "Then, the rumors…the reports I've seen are true?"

"Reports?" Shepard asked in confusion, a frown marring his forehead as Ashley nodded.

"Wait," Garrus interrupted, a hint of annoyance in his voice. "You _knew_ Shepard was alive?"

Giving a half shrug, half nod, Ashley responded, "I'd seen the reports, heard the rumors. But, I couldn't believe…" she turned back to Shepard, anger now etching along her features. "I would have followed you anywhere, Commander!" She snapped as she took a step back. "Why didn't you tell us you were alive!?"

Astonished by the quick change in her tone, Shepard shook his head, taking an involuntary step back. "I told you, Ash," he reverted to the nickname he and Kaidan had given the volatile gunnery chief during their time on the Normandy SR1. "I was in a coma. Not like I had any say in what news went out."

"But, you've been…awake these past weeks…months…why?"

Sighing, rubbing a hand along his forehead, the biotic closed his eyes momentarily. "Look," he lifted his face, "I'll gladly and happily sit down with you and answer any questions you may have, but later." There was a hint of impatience in his voice now. "We've got a much bigger problem right now other than why didn't I get right on the com and contact everyone I ever knew! We've got Collectors," his hand shot upwards to point toward a now vanished Collector ship, "kidnapping human colonists! The Alliance wasn't doing anything! Cerberus…"

"Is a terrorist organization!" Ashley hissed out, pumping her fist before her in her anger. "I'm not big on aliens, but even I think they go too far with their human only agenda!"

Blinking, Shepard stared at his friend – or was that former friend? – for a moment, surprise showing clearing in those red eyes. "When have you ever known me to be 'human only' or a terrorist?" he asked, his voice painfully quiet as both Grunt and Garrus shifted behind him, the krogan glaring at the human woman as Garrus turned anxious eyes toward his friend.

"Is it even you?" Ashley asked quietly, her anger still there, but now uncertainty as well. Shepard's eyes widened at those words.

"You're failing to see the big picture here, Ash," Garrus shot in, annoyed at how quickly the woman had verbally attacked Shepard.

Sighing, Ashley stepped back, shaking her head. "Look," she responded after another moment, "I don't trust Cerberus," she glared back at him. "And, after Akuze, I wouldn't think you would either," Shepard stiffened at her words, but did not interrupt her. "I know where my loyalties lay," she continued ruthlessly plunging each word, each accusation deeper into Shepard's heart before turning away from her former commander. With a backward glance, she finished, "take care, Commander." That stung, her using his title rather than name. "I sure hope you know what you are doing."

And, with those words, she turned away, completely, and left Shepard and his team behind.

Shepard took a deep breath, staring at the space Ashley had once occupied. He felt Garrus' hand, once more, upon his shoulder. Giving a slight nod, Shepard reached up to his ear, activating the com to the Normandy. "Joker," his voice was raw, the hurt he felt at Ashley's outright rejection stinging, "pick us up." He took one final glance around. "I'm sick of this colony."

"Aye, aye, Commander."


	2. Chapter 2

_Effects_

_Chapter 2_

Deep, penetrating beat of the techno-based music sent a booming, rhythmic beat through their bodies as pulsating colored lights danced about the undulating bodies of the dancers that flowed over the upper level dance floor. Frowning into his glass of whiskey, Shepard looked up, staring, unseeing, into the space just above Garrus' head.

The turian offered his closest friend a harsh glare, a scowl forming over his features as the human across from him continued to either completely ignore him or was just simply spacing out.

Lately, Garrus had difficulty telling what was up with his friend.

Three years ago, it would have been easy: Shepard was spacing out, his mind lost in thought as he pondered each and every alternative that would yield the least loss of life.

However, during the Collector mission, Garrus found out that his friend was no longer the soft hearted biotic he had known prior to his death.

There were times, many in fact, when the turian had wondered if this truly was Maverick Shepard, the Savior of the Citadel, a man who had convinced even the hard hearted former C-Sec operative that did not always justify the means. He did not subscribe to the cruel calculus of war.

But, then, there were those moments…moments Garrus could only term as vulnerability, and it was the old Shepard, kind hearted and easy going, ready to lend an ear to whomever requested. Someone he had watched as he would stop, taking a moment to speak with someone – just out of the blue, a total stranger – and offer whatever meager assistance he could.

At this moment, he choose to think that was the Shepard sitting across from him, contemplating the numerous dancers about them, perhaps even counting the number of flashing lights that dazzled around the room.

"Shepard," the turian's rumbling voice broke the silence that surrounded their table, despite the blaring of the techno-rhythmic music that enveloped the entirety of _Purgatory_.

Blinking, the red lights of his eyes flashing briefly, revealing the soft brown that the turian knew still lingered beneath the cybernetic implants, said man shifted his gaze from the empty space above his turian friend's head to the turian himself.

"Sorry?" There was that familiar soft voice, one Garrus knew Shepard reserved solely for those few friends he had managed to retain. Not the hard granite tenor he had become used to during said suicide mission. "Say something, Garrus?"

Chuckling, relief flooding his form, the turian gave his human friend a shrug of narrow shoulders. "Wasn't sure if you were here with me or off in some other world there, Shepard."

A smile formed upon his face, causing the numerous, angry looking red scars to crinkle slightly. "Sorry 'bout that," the Commander remarked, eyes flickering down to the glass of whiskey he held between both hands. "Just…thinking."

"About anything in particular?" Garrus could not help but ask. Normally, this 'new' Shepard would clam up, hesitate to discuss his thoughts or feelings with just about anyone. However, Garrus knew that he was among a very select few to whom the man would open up to. Before this current 'save the galaxy' mission, those people could be counted upon one hand.

However, Garrus had noticed that Shepard seemed to have included two newbies into his tight circle of friends. One of whom was standing, leaning against the bar, chatting up one very pretty human woman.

Shepard shrugged again. "Not much, really," he replied, pulling Garrus' attention back from the obviously floundering Vega to the human sitting at his table. "Just…" he paused, a far-too familiar scowl forming on his face. "Pondering the meaning of existence. Shit like that."

"Oh," Garrus chuckled as he brought his own drink to his lips. "Nothing much, eh?"

Slinging back his own drink, Shepard grimaced as he settled the glass back to the table's top, the now empty glass cradled between his large hands.

Garrus tilted his head, taking in the man before him. Shepard had hardened a great deal over the past year. But, these glimpses of vulnerability that the man still allowed himself told the turian that Shepard was still in there…somewhere. Not fully subsumed by the tech that Cerberus had implanted into him, bringing the man back to life after being spaced. Those same cybernetics that continued to keep the man alive.

The turian recalled how Miranda had insisted that Cerberus had not wanted to change Shepard; had wanted to retain the very spirit and essence of the man who had saved the galaxy against the threat of Sovereign. However, having known Shepard back then and having served with him after he had been miraculously brought back, Garrus knew that, somehow in some way, the man had been changed, despite Cerberus' best scientists efforts.

After all, how does one come back, literally, from death and not be changed?

"You know," Garrus purred slightly, taking another swig of his drink as Shepard hailed a passing waitress for another drink, "for all this time we've known each other, you've never really talked about your life prior to the Saren mission."

"The Saren mission?" Shepard chuckled as the waitress handed him another whiskey. He took a sip this time, enjoying the heat of the liquor as it trickled down his throat.

"Hated that guy," Garrus admitted. "Thought we'd call it that."

Lifting his drink, Shepard toasted his friend before taking another sip. "Whatever floats your boat, my friend."

A brow rose at that, but Garrus instead remarked. "C'mon. What was Maverick Shepard like before he became the Savior of the Galaxy?"

"Ouch," Shepard grimaced, his face crinkling. "Savior of the Galaxy? Okay, Garrus, no more drinks for you," he joked as he playfully reached for the turian's drink.

"Ah, c'mon, Shepard," the turian teased back, firming his grip upon his glass as a smirk tipped the jagged edges of his mouth upwards slightly.

Staring at his friend, Shepard's face went blank for a moment. "Well, first, Maverick isn't my name."

"No shit, ah...Sherlock," Garrus remarked. "What kind of parent names their kid Maverick?"

With a shake of his head and short chuckle, Shepard replied. "Yeah, well, my mother named me Daylen," he snorted. "Had to take another when I found myself alone on the streets of Hong Kong."

"Yeah," Garrus set his drink down, "I remember you mentioning something about growing up on the streets in a bit city on Earth."

"Big city," he nodded before taking another drink. "Yeah. Dad was in the service," he turned those eyes, now more brown than they had been in a very long time. "Died during the contact war," Garrus flinched at that, but maintained eye contact. "Mom…well, she took care of me as well as she could. Worked odd jobs, mostly office work. Was a real wiz with gadgets, if I remember correctly." The human offered another shrug. "Then, one night, when I was about ten, she just…didn't come home. Ever' thing was still there, just…she wasn't."

Garrus frowned, looking closely at his friend, not having failed to notice that, as Shepard talked about his childhood, his accent changed, slipping more into a slight slur of words, his articulation faltering.

"Finally, the landlord got sick of no money, so he tossed me out, took all our stuff 'n changed the locks."

"How old were you?" Garrus' voice faltered, trying to picture a turian handling a young child in such a manner.

"Ten," Shepard took a longer haul on his drink. "Mom was only gone for about a month 'fore the old sod tossed me on my keester." He watched as he settled his glass down. "Didn't have any other family, so the streets for me." Reddish-brown eyes glanced upwards briefly. "That was just before my biotic abilities surfaced."

The former C-Sec agent blinked, frowning, as Shepard continued. "The Reds found me shortly afta, and I ran wit' them 'til I got caught tryin' to snatch somethin' I shouldn't've."

"Oh?"

Laughing outright at the memory, Shepard nodded, eyes still distance, a fond grin on his face. "Yeah." He shrugged slightly, shifting in his seat. There was no discomfort in his body language, and Garrus was pleased that his friend was opening up to him. He glanced at the empty glasses on the table. Maybe he should get Mav drunk more often.

"I was mainly an enforcer in the Reds," Shepard continued, fingers sliding along the cool, smooth surface of his glass. "They was real pleased when my abilities surfaced. Having a biotic in the gang was a real plus. Weren't many of us on the streets since the Alliance always tried to gather us up as much as possible. But, our faction of the Reds had me, so I was usually sent to bust kneecaps and such whenever someone got…unruly."

Garrus blinked in astonishment. "Sorry, Shepard, but…I have a hard time equating the man I met on the Citadel with a gangland thug who…broke people's kneecaps."

Snorting as he took another drink, Shepard nodded. "Hated it. Some in the group got off on the violence. Me? Not so much. I really just wanted ta take care of the kids that always found their way into the group. Tiny ones, ya know? Barely babes. I kept them safe, me and another kid – Jared - who was a real genius with the tech. Some in the gang thought I was a pussy, a real wuss, I guess. But, havin' to fend up for myself got the higher ups to put me on enforcement detail." He shrugged. "So long as I got to take care of the little ones, Jared and myself, and got a rep for being a bad ass biotic, the bullies left us alone."

"So, how'd you get caught?" Garrus prompted as he tried to navigate the rough accent Shepard had assumed as he spoke.

"Tried to be a sneak thief," the human laughed, grinning. "Best mistake I ever made."

"Oh?"

"Yup," there was a glint in his eyes as he raised them to meet Garrus' dark orbs. "Saw an Alliance soldier at an open air café. Lots of those in Hong Kong. Tall, black guy who was stupid enough to set his messenger bag right at the back of his seat." The grown former gang member shrugged. "Thought it was easy money. Maybe some fancy Alliance tech, or even payroll. Didn't know, didn't care. Wanted to do more than bully and most a' my kids were ganging out themselves. So…thinkin' I was being real stealthy, I made a break for the bag." Here Shepard burst out in raucous laughter. "Bastard was quicker than he looked! Turned around with a speed I'd only seen other biotics possess and grabbed right hold of my arm! I was only fifteen at the time, and had no real biotic training, but I attempted to give him a good old biotic shove. He just gritted his teeth, held on and planted his feet, all the while dragging me back with him!"

Garrus' echoing laugh joined Shepard's. "Let me guess…Anderson?"

Nodding, Shepard slapped a hand to the table. "Got it!" Just as suddenly, he quieted eyes thoughtful, the red a mere flickering presence in his irises. "Took one look at me, said something real profound like 'what the fuck do you think you're doing, kid?' and then dragged me to the nearest Alliance office to get me evaluated."

"Because you were a biotic?"

"That's what I thought, at first. Thought for sure they were going to lock me up. I mean, that's what I heard they did to biotics – just locked us up to keep us from harming others. I was wrong. Anderson…that old bugger saved my life. Got me into the Alliance, proper training," he grinned, "proper education so that I could at least enunciate properly. And, well, the rest, as they say is history."

The turian tilted his head again, staring at his friend. He knew there was more, a lot more. But, that Shepard had opened up about this much, and seemed to not be regretting it, was enough for him. He enjoyed this peek at his friend, a look back to better times, when Shepard did not have the weight of, well, everything sitting firmly upon his broad shoulders.

"Ever regret it?" Garrus asked, the glass up to his mouth as he watched Shepard closely, watching as a confused expression crossed the human's face. "Ever regret trying to take the messenger bag?"

Heavy lids slowly closing over his eyes, then opened just as slowly as he contemplated his friend's question. With a tilt of one shoulder, Shepard met Garrus' eyes. "Only once," he admitted, quietly. "Virmire."

He took a deep breath, recalling Shepard's voice breaking as he spoke, for the last time, with Kaidan Alenko. The turian had liked the other human biotic. He was calm and composed, easily offsetting Shepard's tendency to react with emotion rather than logic. He and the others had watched as the pair had danced around each other, Liara watching rather mournfully as the man she was attracted to gave his attentions to another.

"He heard you, you know," the turian offered quietly, afraid to set off Shepard, but feeling he needed to know. The human lifted confused eyes, brow furrowing at the turian's words. Garrus clarified. "Kaidan. He heard you."

Swallowing thickly, Mav asked, "How can you be certain?" The accent was gone. Back was the perfectly unaffected voice the man had perfected in his years in the Alliance.

"Why else would he have shut down his end?" Garrus fought against the instinct to reach across that table, to grasp his friend's arm. Three years ago, that gesture would have been welcome. And, despite how much it seemed that man was back, Garrus knew better. This Maverick Shepard would not welcome the physical contact.

And so, instead, he glanced down into his glass, giving the smoky, amber liquid within a swirl. "He did not want you to sacrifice yourself, you know."

Nodding, Shepard looked down to where he was gripping his own glass. He eased his grip, careful not to break the glass.

"You seem to be making friends, though," Garrus continued, eyes shifting once more to Vega, who was now fully drunk and still hitting on the girl who stood next to a rather statuesque Asari.

Head lifting, Shepard turned to follow Garrus' gaze. A smirk crossed his features. "Oh, no," he chuckled deeply, "Vega is in for a world of disappointment!"

"Idiot hasn't figured out yet that girl is with that rather lovely Asari matron."

"Oh, wait…" Shepard held up a hand as he watched as the girl finally got fed up and seemed to be dressing down the young lieutenant. "Oh…and…" With a scowl, the girl turned her back, grasping a hold of the Asari and stomped away. "There it is!" Shepard turned about, slapping his palms upon the table as Garrus watched as Vega stood, mouth agape, as the pair of women made their exit.

"Ah, no," Garrus muttered, watching as Vega turned and, catching sight of the seated pair, made his rather drunken way toward them. "The idiot's on his way over here."

Turning, a grin firmly in place, Shepard indicated the chair next to Garrus.

"Hey, Loco!" Vega slurred as he approached.

"Hey there, James," Shepard continued to laugh. "I see you managed to scare off another girl!"

Snorting as he practically threw himself down into the chair. "Eh! You win some, ya lose some."

"I'm guessing you're more familiar with the losing part," Garrus muttered as he pushed his chair away from the slouching form of the young human.

"Huh?" James turned toward the turian, confusion written clearly across his scarred features.

"Nothing, nothing…" Garrus muttered as he took another drink, sharing a smirk with Shepard, who hid his grin behind his uplifted glass.


End file.
